Alex in Wonderland

Synopsis

Alex is a rather lost-looking guy who's fallen into a hole and can't get up. Wonderland is the world into which he fell and the place where he just might finally "find" himself.

Excerpt

Alex fell and fell and fell and fell and screamed and fell. After a while he stopped screaming and began noticing the world that he was passing by. It seemed strange and wonderful and terrifying and… he was STILL falling. He opened his mouth again to scream but decided that that would just be a waste of breath. The strange world seemed to whiz UP quickly as he continued DOWN. Eventually he realized that his fall was slowing. How that was possible…how any of this was possible, he had no idea but at least he was no longer crazed with terror. Now he was just puzzled and, actually, becoming a little bored. His fall slowed and slowed until he seemed more to be floating than falling and then after quite another long while, he stopped moving altogether and simply hung/floated in the middle of the strange seemingly never-ending hole.

“Great” he thought to himself “Now what?” He looked more closely at the walls in front of which he hovered. For as far up or down as he could see, they were covered in pictures – beautiful landscapes surrounded by elaborate gold frames. Rustic pastoral scenes, deep dark forests, fantastical cityscapes, inviting beach palaces, and many other lovely painted scenes were spread out over the walls. There were also little shelves dotted in and around the pictures. On the shelves sat the most varied and curious array of knickknacks that one could imagine. One shelf had only orange things on it. Another held a variety of what appeared to be ceramic animals. They all had long noses like an elephant….but Alex could see that there weren’t actually any elephants there. Some had 10 legs, some had more than one trunk and all were painted in a rainbow of colours that he had never seen on any mammal, let alone any elephant. One of the larger beasts was pointing it’s trunk up and to the right. Alex’s eye followed the line of the trunk to a picture hanging just there. It was a little smaller than most of the others. Alex found if he flapped his arms, he could maneuver himself a little closer to the wall. He was mesmerized by the small painting. This landscape was heavily forested and populated with incredibly intricate trees. Each leaf on each delicate branch was painted in an explosion of delicious colour. On the forest floor there grew flowers and mushrooms and toad stools and every enchanting thing Alex had ever heard of. He found he wanted to BE in that scene. He wanted to breathe that forest’s air, he wanted to see that world’s sky, he wanted…..

“Arrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” Suddenly Alex was falling again. But this time, he was falling into the picture that he’d been staring at! It was a much shorter fall this time and it ended on a pile of wildly coloured leaves and with a mild thud.

The Wonderful Land of Oooze

As I've mentioned previously, I'm part of a writing group that meets in Wolfville, NS twice a month.  We usually have some kind of theme to write around each month and October's theme was Horror.  More specifically, we were to use a well-known scene from a movie (any genre but horror) and turn it into a Horror scene.  I immediately thought of "The Wizard of Oz" and chose to  desecrate... I mean disseminate the scene that takes place in Munchkin Land just after the tornado has landed Dorothy's house there.    Be warned, it is not a pretty story...

The Wonderful Land of Oooooze

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore” Dorothy whispered in a terrified voice.  Toto just whimpered and huddled down further in the basket that Dorothy was carrying.  The tornado had landed them in a dark and scary place. There was no colour – everything seemed painted in chronometric tones.   Dorothy looked down and noted that the blue in her gingham dress had turned grey - along with her skin and hair and blouse.  Toto was still a black dog, but now he was cringing in a grey basket.  Everything was made up of shades of black and white and grey…. everything except for the strange new shoes Dorothy now had on.  During the tornado, Toto and Dorothy had been thrown around the house so much that her old black shoes had flown right off her feet and out the open window into the storm.   When everything had stopped and the house had… landed… Dorothy had opened her front door and entered this weird land of oooze in her stocking feet.  

And it truly was a land of ooze.  It was a dark and dank mire of a place. Strange sounds emanated from the surrounding black and grey landscape.  Was that laughter she kept hearing from time to time?  It was almost child-like in timbre, yet menacing and foreboding the way a nursery rhyme is used to make a Horror movie scene feel even more terrifying.   Dorothy clutched her basket closer and continued forward through the mist and muck - almost reverently thankful for the bright red shoes she now wore and which she and Toto had found upon exiting the house.

Without warning a voice screamed out “Please, pleeeeeeaaase don’t hurt me”.  Dorothy gasped and fell back a step.  She had been so concentrated on trying to decipher where the creepy laughter was coming from that she failed to notice a dark, pathetic shape lying in a heap on the path and had almost trod on the unfortunate creature before its startling plea stopped her.  

“I won’t hurt you” Dorothy soothed.   But the, the - Dorothy had to concede at this point that the creature was a woman, or at least looked woman-shaped – the “woman” continued to moan in a piteous wail that began rising in tone.  Toto stuck his head out of the basket and began to howl in empathy.   “Oh come on!” Dorothy stamped her foot.  “Now stop being so silly.  I said I won’t hurt you!”

Toto paused in mid howl and the pathetic woman stopped and stared.  She was dressed in a long black dress that looked like it might once have been fine silk but was now little more than filthy tatters.  An old dented, but probably once pointy, hat sat haphazardly on her head.  Her skin was a dark grey and her features were quite regular looking except for the long hooked nose in the middle of her face.  She looked up at Dorothy through a veil of tears “You – you’re not going to hurt me?” she sniffed.

Toto cocked his head on the side, gave the hag a penetrating look then hopped out of the basket, trotted over and gave her hand a lick.  Then he barked a friendly “yap” and ran back to his basket - tail wagging.  “No of course not” replied Dorothy.  “And Toto seems to like you!  Any friend of his is a friend of mine”.  With that she reached out a hand and helped the bedraggled hag up.  “We haven’t been properly introduced.  I’m Dorothy Gale from Kanas.”  She bobbed a little curtsy. 

The hag inclined her head “I am Elphaba, from the Western lands”.  

“How do you do.”  Dorothy smiled then looked around “So, what is this place?”

“Don’t you know??”  asked Elphaba.  “Why, you’re in Munchkin land – one of the foulest areas in the land of Ooooze.  My sister and I were flying over it as quickly as we could in hopes of avoiding ‘Her-who-should-not-be-named’ when that terrible storm dumped me here.  I have no idea what happened to my sister…”

“Her-who-should-not…” began Dorothy but she was interrupted by a “Heeheehee” laugh coming from the surrounding darkness again in young high-pitched voices.

“Arrggggghhhh” screamed the hag.  “They’re coming, that means SHE’S COMING… nooooooooooooooooooo! I’m too weak to face her again so soon.  Please NOOOOOOO!”

Startled, Dorothy grabbed at Elphaba’s hands.  “What is it? Who is coming? What are you screaming about now” screamed Dorothy back.  Toto leaped from his precariously swaying basket and ran around their feet yapping wilding and adding his voice to the rising panic in general.

The eerie laughter grew louder and louder and then just as suddenly – stopped.  Elphaba and Dorothy froze in fear and Toto huddled by Dorothy’s red shoes.   “Munchkins” Elphaba whispered. 

And then there they were.  Where there had been dark mist and black mire only moments before, now stood a crowd of short but terrifying creatures.  They had misshapen heads and horribly deformed bodies.  Their pointy teeth gleamed in the shards of moonlight that pierced the lifting fog.  Toto gave a little whimper and Dorothy realized that they were completely surrounded by the wretched things.   The Munchkins, armed with black candy spears that were sweet but deadly, closed in on the terrified trio.  “Oooh” piped up one in a high voice “what delicacies do we have here?” 

“I’m sure herself won’t mind if we just have a little nibble” squeaked another.

“That one looks especially tasty” agreed a third “and her little dog too”.   The three munchkins laughed as Dorothy moved to protect Toto but then she was forced back in surprise when a glowing bubble of light appeared between her and the giggling creatures.

Glinda, Witch of the North, waved her wand and the giant bubble disappeared as quickly as it came.  She wore an icy white gown.  She was chillingly beautiful but her voice left one cold to the core when she spoke.  “So” she said freezingly to the closest munchkins “you mean to take a nibble of MY prize do you?”  The Munchkins stopped grinning and faded back into the mist – all except for the three who had spoken.  They stood frozen looking fearfully up at the white witch.  “Flotsom” her voiced changed and now seemed warmly inviting “you wouldn’t let these two imbeciles nibble my prize now would you?”

Elphaba nudged Dorothy “that is her power… she uses the magic of her voice to turn people against each other.  We must get away quickly before she can turn her voice on us!”  

By this time Glinda had convinced the three unfortunate munchkins that they were dire enemies.  They began attacking each other.   Dorothy shuddered and gagged as body parts drenched in black blood began to fly.

“Hurry, we must find a way to…” Elphaba was cut off by a voice now silky with cold honey

“You wouldn’t want to deprive me of your lovely company Elphaba my dear, now would you?”  Glinda’s laugh tinkled like the sound of falling ice daggers.  

“Stop!” shouted Elphaba, “I won’t let you bewitch me with your foul voice”

Glinda’s  smile widened.  She moved closer to Elphaba.  She opened her mouth to speak but was stopped by an unexpected source.  Toto had moved into her path.  “Toto no!  Come back!!” cried Dorothy

Glinda bent down to the little dog and Toto started growling.  The witch of the North chuckled and directed her spell-laden words towards him instead.   “Oh look at you!” she cooed and began stroking his fur “What a darling creature.  Aren’t you just the cutest thing.  There now you adorable little being, you’ll be my friend won’t you?”

Toto tilted his head confused then started wagging his tale

“Toto no!” cried Dorothy again

“You’ll protect me now, won’t you my wonderful little furry darling…”  Glinda smiled down into his eyes then looked up sharply at the approaching farm girl.  “SIC HER” she commanded the little dog.

Toto immediately turned his body and growled menacingly at Dorothy…

“No, Toto, no”…. he ignored this and moved threateningly towards the girl, fangs bared.  Dorothy backed up but a tree stopped her progress.  She lifted her basket trying to shield herself behind it.  

“He’s a little flea-ridden monster” Glinda’s sharp words pierced through Dorothy’s fear.  “Use the basket, defend yourself from this furry little fiend”.  

Instant rage took over the girl in gingham.  Elphaba tried saying something to her but Dorothy ignored her.  She faced the little dog. He growled and leaped for her throat but she grasped her basket with all her strength and slashed it at toto’s head.   Toto was flung across the dark clearing and slammed against another tree.  There was a sudden painful little yip then Toto fell in a little pile of puppy at the base of the trunk.  

Glinda laughed evilly and Dorothy was immediately released by the spell.  “Nooooooo!” she screamed and ran to the little dog’s side.  “Toto, dear toto, be ok, please be ok, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t MEAN it!!”  She began sobbing over the broken little figure and Glinda turned her attention to Elphaba. 

“That was evil, even for you Glinda” Elphaba spit out.   “But I’m not such an easy target; you know we are able to resist your wicked voice”

Glinda contemplated the crying girl, noting the ruby shoes, then turned to grin at Elphaba.  “Yes but you’re not a ‘we’ anymore are you? What happened to your sister Elphaba”

“There was a storm, we got separated”

Glinda replied quietly but clearly “or someone killed her”

“She is beloved in this land, why would anyone try to kill my sister?”  Elphaba looked at Glinda in consternation “What would make you even think such a thing?”

“Ah, but you are with someone who is not of this land aren’t you?”

“Don’t even try it Glinda” but Elphaba glanced at Dorothy uncertainly and then back at the white witch. “You’re trying to trick me”

“Ah but this time I think I actually have the truth of the matter in hand….”  She frowned abruptly and pointed at Dorothy “This girl is responsible for the death of your sister.”

Elphaba backed further.  “No… stop trying to twist my thoughts… your spell can’t work on me”

“Oh but this time I don’t need the spell do I?  This time I have the truth to do my work for me”

Elphaba twirled round to face the sobbing girl “Dorothy, speak up for yourself…  did you….”

The flow of Dorothy’s tears began to abate and the conversation around her was finally penetrating her sadly clouded thoughts.  She looked up at Elphaba.  Her eyes took in the woman’s dress then moved down to look at the black and white striped socks that she wore.  Dorothy HAD seen socks like that earlier in the evening hadn’t she?  Another sob escaped her as she thought of Toto still alive and happy – trotting cheerfully out of the old house that had been flown to this awful place.  She could see Toto wagging his tale as he sniffed around the base of the house and at the black and white clad legs that he found protruding there…. Black and white striped socks ending in the bright ruby coloured shoes….

Dorothy gasped at the memory and suddenly Elphaba knew the truth.  “No” pleaded Dorothy “It was the tornado”.  Elphaba picked up one of the blood-soaked spears left by the decimated Munchkins. “It wasn’t my fault” Dorothy sobbed “and my shoes were gone”.   Elphaba moved grimly towards the farm girl with murder in her heart.  “Stop!” cried Dorothy  “I….they…. they weren’t being used any more… I needed….  It’s not my fault…. no.... NO!!!"

Glinda, Witch of the North cackled delightedly as Dorothy began to scream. 

The End.

Ooh La La, Eh! continued... (act 1 scene 1)

I didn't realize this scene was so long until putting it into this blog.  Oh well...happy reading (to all three of you).  

ACT I – FRIDAY

Act 1 Scene 1

Frog lights go down as Main Lights come up on a city scene – Paris. There's a revolving door Upstage Centre and exits Stage Left and Stage Right.

SONG #1 - "Ooh La La" (Cast)

This song is a montage of our three female Canadian tourists' first few HOURS in Paris.  Music begins as Holly & Petra enter all bubbly and excited, then Temper trudges in.  They are all wheeling in suitcases. Note: Petra also has a big bag/purse that she keeps with her and Temper has a small purse.

HOLLY(sings)

Ooh la la! I can't believe that we're in Paris

I'm so excited that we're here

PETRA (sings)

Ooh la la! I can't believe that we're in Paris

Can you believe we're finally here

Three Porters enter and “check them in” by taking their suitcases and exiting.

HOLLY & PETRA (Sing)

After all the planning and fundraising nights

And then flying Halifax to here non-stop

PETRA (SINGS)

I can't wait to see the sights

HOLLY (Sings)

I can't wait to shop!

Three Parisians – all wearing berets - enter and show the girls the “sights”.

PARISIANS (sing)

Ooh la la! We'd like to welcome you to Paris

We hope that you enjoy your stay!

Ooh la la! With all the things to do in Paris

You're bound to have a lovely day

Wine, cheese, mustard and sweet perfume

Souvenirs for family and friends

Scarves, little adorable plastic Eiffel Towers

Paris is where the shopping never ends

Pierre & Jacques enter – setting up “Pierre’s Café” as they sing along with Parisians

PARISIANS, JACQUES & PIERRE (sing)

Ooh la la! We're so glad that you're in Paris

JACQUES (sings)

Yeah, you're free to spend your money here

PIERRE (sings)

Ooh la la! We're gratified that you're in Paris

JACQUES (SINGS)

(directly to Holly...Temper notices this, rolls her eyes and looks away) May I interest you in a beer?

PIERRE (spoken)

Wine Jacques! Wine!  What would (gestures to girls) our new American friends think if their first drink on French soil was....(disgusted) beer!

HOLLY

We're not Americans.  We're Canadians.  We love beer!

JACQUES

(getting closer to Holly, Temper rolls eyes, Pierre pours wine for Petra using a serving jug) I think I may love Canadians.

PIERRE

(raises glass in toast) Welcome to Gay Paree.

PETRA

Oh, we're not gay.

HOLLY

(nonchalantly) Speak for yourself

TEMPER

Holly you only date men...since when are you gay?

HOLLY

(shrugs) Ok, so maybe I'm not a Lesbian, but I can't promise I never will be.  Half the world is made up of women...why would I deprive myself of fifty percent of the available possibilities?

Pierre begins pouring wine for Holly

TEMPER

I....I....can’t think of an argument for that…it..uh...actually makes sense.  (smiles)

Pierre is so entranced with Holly that he continues pouring wine into her glass.... almost over-filling it - He catches himself just in time.

HOLLY

Anything is possible - even the possibility of something being impossible. (smiles a thank you at Pierre as Petra moves towards Holly’s wineglass)

PETRA

(takes Holly's very full glass of wine and pours most of it back in Pierre's serving jug) And extremes are bad for you.

HOLLY

(gestures to Pierre to fill her glass again, he does, but not quite so full) Yup.  Including extreme moderation.

JACQUES

(closes in on Holly again) So, you're NOT gay. (smiles)

Temper rolls her eyes and suddenly stands to continue Ooh La La song.

TEMPER (sings)

Oh my God! Why the hell am I in Paris?

How could I let them drag me here?

Holly & Petra (SING)

(Petra pulls Temper back down to sit) Ooh la la! In time we know that you'll love Paris

TEMPER (SINGS)

I'll never leave behind the fear

Of flying in that plane...(stands) Never again!

PETRA (sings)

But how will you get home?

TEMPER (spoken)

I'll take a boat (sits - Jacques is laughing at her, Temper punches him on arm).

PARISIANS & PIERRE (sing)

Ooh la la! It's time to have some fun in Paris

A story of romance starts here

Holly, Petra & Temper (sing)

Ooh la la! Three Canadians in Paris

TEMPER (SINGS)

Can someone pass me down that beer (Jacques passes her a beer)

PARISIANS & PIERRE (SING)

Music, wine and Art await you

The French museums are beckoning

The bridges and Eiffle Tower call to you

PIERRE (sings)

It's enough to make you want to sing

PARISIANS (SING)

Ooh la la! It's time to have some fun in Paris

A story of romance starts here

HOLLY, PETRA & TEMPER (SING)

Ooh la la I can't believe that we're

Holly (SINGS)

In Paris

PETRA (SINGS)

In Paris

Temper (SINGS)

In Paris

CAST (SINGS)

Ooh la la!

SONG ENDS

The Parisians exit waving & saying "au revoir" etc, as Pierre, Jacques and the girls stay on in the cafe. 

JACQUES

So you girls are from Canada? (moving in again on Holly).

TEMPER

Yes, we are (sarcastically) Eh.  (stands) And now it's time to go do some explori...

Petra, Holly, Pierre, and Jacques all protest to this statement - the next four lines are all spoken at the same time over top of each other....

PETRA

Oh! But I'm tired and I need to use the toilet and...

HOLLY

But this is a real bona fide Parisian cafe.  It's on my list…

PIERRE

Oh but my dear ladies you haven't finished your wine!

JACQUES

(teasing) Sorry. I didn't mean to make you so nervous.

TEMPER

(only hears Jacques and replies to him) You do not make me nervous (notices everyone else waiting for her decision) Fine. We can stay...but just a little longer AND (to Jacques) I'm gonna need another beer.

HOLLY

(to Petra) Hey, got any paper?

Petra points to her bag. During next few lines, Holly looks in it for paper...she ends up finding Temper's passport and takes that out instead... it's ok for audience to see this, but not essential.  Temper and Petra should NOT notice this.

Jacques passes Temper a beer

PIERRE

So, you are Canadians.  What brings you to our fair Paree?

TEMPER

Pushy friends (looks at girls)

PETRA

(in a German accent) Vee are taking zee break

HOLLY

A well-deserved break!

PIERRE

(to Holly) A.... break? (he breaks a piece of bread)

HOLLY

Some time off from working so hard.  (smiles up at Pierre) A vacation.

PIERRE

(mostly to Holly) Ah. And what do you do in Canada when not "taking a break"?

PETRA

(continues German accent) I am za Librarian, she (pointing to Temper) is a book editor, and Holly...

PIERRE

(interrupts) Ah...mademoiselle Holly.  Such a beautiful name (he kisses Holly’s hand, she giggles, Temper rolls eyes)

PETRA

(continues still in German accent) ... is za travel agent.  Zhee got us some very good deals on zee airfares.

PIERRE

(looks at Petra after finishing with Holly's hand) Mademoiselle, excuse, but you are Canadian non?  Perhaps German as well?

PETRA

(sheepishly, drops accent) Sorry, no, I do accents. Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it.

PIERRE

(puzzled) you do...accents?

PETRA

(to the other girls) Was I doing an accent?

HOLLY

Yup.

TEMPER

German.

PETRA

(shrugs) Sorry. Anyway, that's what we're taking a break from.

HOLLY

Well, those are our jobs, but together we sing!

PIERRE

Sing?

PETRA

Together we're the Blue Angels. We're an a'ccapella trio. (Holly whispers an idea to Petra and Petra excitedly stands up) Monsieur perhaps we can sing for you!

TEMPER

(dangerously) Petra Marie Outhouse SIT down. (looks at her, Petra sits) What do you think this is, a 3-Act Musical or something?

(All characters - stop for a second, glance at the audience, shrug, and then continue what they were doing)

HOLLY

But Temper...

TEMPER

But nothing.  You promised!

PETRA

Sorry Temper.  (back in accent but this time French and speaking to Pierre) Vee are so sorry, uh… uh… sorry I do not know Monsieur’s name (pauses looks at him for name)?

PIERRE

(bows) You may call me Pierre.

PETRA

(in French accent) Sorry Pierre, zere will be no singing today.  Perhapz another time.

JACQUES

Man! That's good!  If I didn't know it, I'd think you really were French.

TEMPER

(Stands & quickly drains beer) Isn't that nice...ok girls.  I really think it's time to...

Jacques turns to Temper who jumps a little in surprise at how close he is

JACQUES

So, I DO make you nervous.

TEMPER

No you don't. What are you talking about?  I'm not nervous.  I'm simply trying to save my friend from....

JACQUES

(closer) From?

TEMPER

A womanizing philanderer.  (turns her back on him, takes wallet out of purse and tries to pay Pierre) How much for the drinks?

JACQUES

Did you hear that Uncle Pete? I'm a womanizing philanderer.

PIERRE

It zis a pity.

TEMPER

(to Pierre)  He's your nephew?  Sorry... (embarrassed... indicates wallet to Pierre) How much?

JACQUES

Beer’s on me (Temper turns, Jacques is much closer than she expected...again.  They are eye to eye) and Wine's on him (gestures towards Pierre, then grins) To make up for my philanderizing.

TEMPER

Its "philandering".

JACQUES

Huh?

TEMPER

Not "philanderizing" (walks in front of Jacques towards other girls).

JACQUES

(to himself) Wow, tall!  (follows Temper)

TEMPER

(turns back to him sharply) What was that?

JACQUES

(non-plussed) I… uh… it’s just…. um…. you’re taller than I thought you’d…

TEMPER

And?

JACQUES

(recovers his composure and resumes teasing tone) Well, I'm usually able to tower over the women I'm trying to philanderize.  

Temper rolls eyes and urges Holly & Petra who both stand and make ready to leave

PIERRE

Jacques stop teasing. (to girls) Mademoiselles it was our pleasure. Perhaps you will visit again...

Pierre continues dialogue with Petra & Holly in background as Temper & Jacques converse

TEMPER

(to Jacques) Where are you from anyway?  You are obviously not French.

JACQUES

(in French accent) Actually mademoiselle, I am. (Temper looks unconvinced).  No, really.  (Temper is still unconvinced and Jacques drops French accent)... well, half French anyway, on my Father’s side.  And half American.  I was raised in the States.

TEMPER

Ah.  That explains it.

JACQUES

Don't tell me you're one of those stereo-typical Canadians who hate Americans stereo-typically.

TEMPER

Stereo-typically is not a word.  (Jacques remains silent, she starts to turn away) Never mind.

JACQUES

(teasing) No really, I'm hurt... I mean it's not America's fault that I bug you so much.

TEMPER

(turns back annoyed)  Oh.... (stamps foot) stop being such a baby!  (this really seems to surprise Jacques for some reason) Girls, let's go.

Pierre & Jacques begin to move Café pieces off stage left and girls move towards Revolving door

HOLLY

H'ordeaurves Pierre! (waves to Pierre)

TEMPER

(to confused Pierre) She means Au Revoir.  (pushes Holly through revolving door) Bye.

PETRA

Au Revoir!

Pierre & Jacques clear Café offstage and exit, girls “exit” through the revolving door – spinning around two or three times until they come back on stage and “enter” the streets of Paris.

HOLLY

(while still revolving calls out) See eh oh! 

Girls are back on stage now in the street

PETRA

What was that?

HOLLY

See eh oh!  Ok, so it's not French, but at least it's still European.

PETRA

See eh oh?  Sounds more...Asian to me.

HOLLY

It's Italian! Everyone uses...

TEMPER

(interrupting) She means Ciao! Come on let's get going.

Girls slowly make way SR

HOLLY

(Quietly mouthing the new pronunciation to herself) Chow.  Chow?  Chow....

PETRA

(pauses CS) Ok. What should we do next?

Holly gets out “note pad” and begins writing

TEMPER

Oh definitely the Eiffel Tower, or the Louvre, or... (notices Holly) What are you doing?

HOLLY

I'm writing it all down.

TEMPER

Yeah, but what’s that you’re writing on... (suddenly concerned) Is that your passport?

HOLLY

(looks up from writing) No.  Of course not! (resumes writing, pauses) It's yours. (looks up again) You were never gonna use those last few pages anyway, no one ever...

TEMPER

(interrupting) GIVE ME THAT!

Temper grabs passport from Holly and tries to put it in her purse but has to take out wallet because her purse is too small

HOLLY

Sorry Temper.

PETRA

Hey! We don't need to make a list anyway.  Come on girls, we're on vacation.  We're in Paris!  No lists.

TEMPER

(to Petra) Can you put this in your bag? (indicating her wallet)

Petra opens her big bag and Temper drops wallet in

HOLLY

Petra's right.  Let's just go with the flow.

PETRA

Speaking of "flow", (starts doing a "hafta-pee" dance) how do you say "where is the bathroom" in French?

TEMPER

Why didn't you go at the hotel?

PETRA

I did but then we drank beer at that cafe and I had wine too so we could linger and ogle the cute waiter some more.

HOLLY

(dreamy look) He was divine wasn't he?  I think I might really lik.....

TEMPER

(interrupting) Look.  You can't have fallen for the first cute guy we've encountered (looks at watch) less than 2 hours into our first outing in Paris.

HOLLY

But...

TEMPER

I know you want to (makes quote signs with hands) "fall in love" in "Paris", but Holly - come on! The very first man we see?

HOLLY

Alright, alright, I know.  But I wish...

PETRA

(interrupts) I wish I'd gone to the toilet at that cafe.

HOLLY

Why didn't you?

PETRA

It was out of order (holds nose and shakes head indicating that it wasn’t out of order, but was too beneath her standards for her to use)

TEMPER

Shit Petra! Must you be so picky?

PETRA

It wasn't clean.  (changes subject) And Temper we had an agreement about you swearing.  Can we stick with it please?  You know I hate it when you swear.

TEMPER

Sorry, sorry....I forgot. I just feel strange saying "Bleep" in a foreign country. (pause then has idea) How about Merde!  While in Paris I'll swear in French.  How about it eh?

PETRA

I just don't understand why you need to swear at all... and no, swearing in French is not ok....what will the French think??  Please can we just stick to our agreement?  PLEASE?

TEMPER

Ok. Bleep it!  When I need to swear (looks at Petra) and yes, sometimes I really need to swear, I will use the word "Bleep" in your presence.  Ok. Let's go find a bathroom, then Eiffel Tower, here we come!  Where are we now? Here's a street sign...(looks off stage-rightish and pretends to read) Rue St. Jacques (begins looking for map in her little purse)

PETRA

Rue St. Jacques?  Really?

TEMPER

Petra do you have the map in your bag?

Petra hands Temper her bag and Temper starts looking for map

PETRA

(looking at road fascinated) I read about this road! Rue St. Jacques is an old Roman road...it was probably laid down here before 50 BC!! 

Holly moves SL to gaze entranced at the road.  Petra joins her and also gazes down at road.

TEMPER

(gives up looking for map) Petra it isn't here.

PETRA

(moves towards CS and back towards Temper) It should be. I took it out of my small purse so I could put it in the big bag.....oh!  It's on the bed!

Temper looks annoyed and is about to say something when she's interrupted by Holly who is now kneeling and looking at the old road

HOLLY

WOW! I wonder how they managed to move something like this!

Petra and Temper look at Holly then look at each other askance and then both look back at Holly who at that point looks up at them

HOLLY

You know.... all the way from BC to here...

PETRA

(to Temper) What is she talking about?

Parisian Conga Line (made up of 5 or 6 male & female extras dancing single-file each with hands on waste of person in front of them) enters around this time – unnoticed by girls – and starts to snake towards where Holly is kneeling SL

TEMPER

(figures it out and rolls her eyes) Holly, "BC" does not mean British Columbia.  (Conga Line begins chant quietly and slowly builds up volume.  Temper shakes head, pulls Petra past her and urges her to move SR) Come on, let's find someplace where we can get a map... (Temper suddenly notices Conga Line behind her SL) Holly!

Holly is surrounded and “picked up” by the chanting Parisian Conga Line.  Holly joins the line - becoming part of it and chanting along with it.  Conga Line quickly makes its way behind Temper moving SR to pick up Petra.  They chant the following song as they go. 

SONG #2: Parisian Conga Line Chant – Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

PARISIAN CONGA LINE (SINGS)

Hurry, Hurry, Hurry

We're always on the go

Walking, Biking, Driving

(one PCL member yells) Hey you're way too slow!

Hurry Hurry Hurry

Heading back to work

Lunch is done now Hurry!

Get that coffee perked

Hurry, Hurry, Hurry

Hurriedly we go

Hurry, Hurry, Hurry

Don't interrupt the flow

Last verse is repeated until Conga Line has picked up Petra and then exited to opposite side of stage. 

TEMPER

Petra! Holly?

SONG ENDS

Temper is now alone on stage… she pauses a moment then…

TEMPER

Bleeeeeeeep!

(scene ends)